A Personal Story; Attempted Assault

 

Transiting Saturn Square Neptune; Fully Flavored by Mars Retrograde

 

We all have our stories; the ongoing occurrences that keep us company as we move through our days. Sometimes, these stories lift us up beyond our expectations, other times they seem to kick our legs out from under us, leaving us to question our entire path.

It is up to each one of us, along our individual journey, to find the meaning in the more difficult stories. Sometimes, metaphors are so clear we can hardly miss them; other times we poke around and only with time and effort, do we see the subtle messages.

Bílení prádla Deutsch: B. Bartoš

Bílení prádla
Deutsch: B. Bartoš

Let us consider the ongoing square between Saturn and Neptune (the most significant transit of 2016). Saturn insists that we pay attention to structure, hard work, and the necessity to face reality in our individual lives.

This is quite the challenge to Neptune as she offers us the opportunity to dissolve whatever is in our path through some form of spirituality or escape. These two planets coming together have an awkward alliance and we must pay careful attention to understand the messages and lessons within.

Of course, there are other planetary cycles that are impacting our current circumstances and the main one I want to consider along with the square aspect between Saturn and Neptune is that Mars is still retrograde (about to turn direct 6/29/2016).

Remember Mars? In his retrograde times, he provides us with the necessity to work with issues of aggressive energies such as anger, initiative, courage, and drive. Conversations about toxic masculinity may trigger you, but let me explain.

When I speak of toxic masculinity (I’ll call it TM) I’m not saying that men or masculinity itself is toxic. After all, there is also toxic femininity. We each have both masculinity and femininity in our personal energetic field.

One difference between the two, is that TM tends to leave more blood, destruction, and war in its wake. Also, currently it is Mars that is retrograde, not Venus. When Venus is retrograde, we can talk about the toxic side of femininity.

I struggle with how much of my private life to share with my readers and I’m pushing myself a bit beyond my comfort zone with this story but I do believe there are certain lessons that are universal. I also entertain the thought that I could share more than I do. Perhaps, this is the beginning of a trend!

I have a tiny sundial that I wear around my neck that represents magic in my life (perhaps I should tell that story someday, it is a very happy one).

 

The Story: Attempted Assault

This story has its share of magic and for that, I am deeply grateful. Any minor change in my day on Wednesday, June 8, 2016 would have ended with very different results. We will not dwell on those. The event itself happened at approximately 8:30 PM EDT.

By sheer magic (luck), I was walking by my front door at the moment when I heard a key enter the lock. When I heard it, I was confused but my immediate assumption was that someone was simply at the wrong door. Then, I saw the dead bolt turn.

I immediately grabbed and held the deadbolt closed still assuming it was an innocent situation and that I must not have locked the door thoroughly.

In my confusion (or naivety) I let go of the lock, making sure it was in the locked position; immediately, the key and deadbolt turned and the door began to open. I slammed my body against the door, managed to push the dead bolt closed again as I hollered “Who’s there?” etc.

There was no response; still in my somewhat confused/naïve state of mind I nearly opened the door to see who was there. Luckily, I heard a tiny voice in my head say ‘look through the peep hole’.

When I looked through the peephole, what I saw was a shock. All I could see was a man’s hand, middle finger raised, thrusting toward the peephole aggressively, repeatedly, and silently. I could feel the rage and frustration in that gesture. He then dropped below the view of the peephole.

My phone was not within reach, I had to pee terribly, and someone with a key to my apartment and nefarious intent was on the other side of my door. At that moment, I was profoundly aware of being on the third floor with no alternate exit other than the one door I was guarding from an intruder.

I waited for what seemed like hours before racing to find my phone, get back to the door to continue holding it closed and call the police.

I have only lived in this apartment since December, I rarely have company, and I have never figured out how to buzz someone in the front door from my apartment. So, in order to let the police in I had to leave my apartment to take the elevator downstairs and unlock the front door. I had no idea if this man was still in the building. I was terrified. The police explored the building and I called the housing authority. At approximately 10:30 PM, a maintenance person from the housing authority arrived to put a new lock on my door. While I waited, I sat with my body against the door thinking that a new lock was going to make everything okay. However, as I talked with the maintenance person they told me that every time a new tenant moves in a new lock is installed.

That came as a shock as the realization hit me that whoever had been on the other side of the door didn’t just have a key to my door but had a master key for the building. I was no safer with this new lock than I have been with the previous one.

For a moment, I was confused and then the question: Why me? Why my apartment? At that moment, a light bulb went off in my head as I recalled a situation from several days earlier that answered the question.

The laundry room in my building is directly across the hall from my apartment. Last week, as I was doing laundry, a man entered the room. Apparently, he had been washing the hallway floors and the janitor’s supply closet is accessed through the laundry room. I exchanged a few sentences with him about washing the floors in the hallway. When that exchange was complete it seemed appropriate for him to leave the room. He didn’t… he stood there… it was awkward so I made a comment intended to fill the silent awkward space.

It was a hot summer day, the dryers were running, and the room was overheated. I said “It is hot in here”; he responded “Isn’t it hot because I’m in here”. Ick.

He proceeded to make a few more equally inappropriate comments about how ‘hot’ he was. At that point, I gathered my laundry, walked across the hall and he watched me as I entered my apartment.

Here was the answer to the question: Why me? Why my apartment?
So there’s this crazy guy out there making inappropriate comments and then trying to get into my apartment? It seems like some sort of a bad movie. I moved here (the first time in 60+ years that I have lived alone) looking to live a quiet reflective life (Sagittarius North Node in the 4th house).

This is the story. I am so tired of this whole tale. There have been so many conversations and meetings and they (the housing authority) did discover (and admit) that a Grand Master Key was accidentally left available to the cleaning contractors!!?

There’s no way to prove who was at my door. I couldn’t see his face in the peephole, in the laundry room I did my best not to look at him, and without cameras in the hall, we have no proof.

At this point, I have a lock on my door that has no master key. They are putting new locks on every door in the building, cameras in all the common spaces, and have offered to move me to another building.

They have also dealt with the cleaning company, letting them know of the inappropriate comments, that the man in question is a suspect in a crime, and have threatened to pull their contract if that man is seen on any property owned by the Housing Authority. Given all of that, I suspect that man has lost his job. Which of course makes me feel less safe and yet I am grateful.

Let’s think about the reflection in this tale of Saturn squaring Neptune along with Mars retrograde.

I think of the rose-colored glasses (Neptune) I have worn my entire life regarding TM (Mars retrograde), as a child it was certainly not safe (Saturn) to point out when inappropriate masculine behavior occurred. We were taught to sweep it under the rug, make excuses, and blame ourselves.

There was always an excuse for inappropriate and even violent masculine behavior; “He was just a child himself”, “He was damaged”, “He didn’t know any better”, or even, “He somehow couldn’t help himself”. No matter how much hurt was caused, his pain always seemed to be the one validated.

Throughout my life, when I have suffered at the expense of that toxicity I was clearly taught to hide those stories, knowing the blame would land on me. Even now, in this circumstance, I watched myself wanting to hide as though it were somehow my fault. Even now that inexplicable guilt lingers.

However, I am finally clear that, without question, the perpetrator of inappropriate masculine behavior (whether it be a man or a woman) is 100% responsible (Saturn) for their actions. Yes, there may be significant other factors. Nevertheless, we each must take full responsibility for our own actions and the results of those actions.

This is a powerful lesson of Mars retrograde. When we stop making excuses for others, we can no longer make excuses for ourselves. We each must look with clear eyes into our own hearts. Neptune has allowed a lack of clarity that Saturn is now demanding.

I certainly cannot deny the wake of damaged relationships I have left behind me over the years. With seven (7) planets in Fire Signs, it is no wonder issues of TM are still dogging me (Fire and Air signs hold masculine energy; Earth and Water signs hold feminine energies).

This situation has forced me to look beneath my comfortable illusions (Neptune) with the sheer weight of its reality (Saturn). It has taken me 60+ years to see my own tendencies of avoidance, denial, and yes, my own brand of TM.

I believe a core lesson here is to look TM square in the eye, name it wherever we see it without apology, and own its presence in our own lives.

Making excuses for TM in others enables us to make excuses for ourselves. Neatly covering it with compassion and veiled kindness (Neptune) (ie: he was so damaged, he couldn’t help it) is not the same as taking full responsibility (Saturn) and doing the hard work of routing it out once and for all.

Remember, masculinity itself is not the problem. It is important to acknowledge and honor the positive side of masculinity; vitality, enthusiasm, passion, assertiveness, action, and will power.

Consider how this is reflected in your our culture (issues in the military, the prison system, police issues, the Republican incumbent), within the cosmos, and in your personal life as well. Where is this playing out in your own life?

__________________________________________

In light of where this situation has taken my heart and mind, I am changing the trajectory of my business. I have had such lofty goals and have been working to create online courses and other big projects.

I’ve decided to let go of those overblown projects/ goals.

I simply want to make connection with you, my clients and students. I want to do consultations and I want to teach. One-to-one, you and me; in one powerful enlightening conversation at a time, one person at a time.

Contact me. Let’s do this. Let’s connect, talk, and grow in understanding of our lives and our place in the world. I want to talk with you, share my perspective, and view the goodness within each one of you. Bring your friends on board. Send this to anyone you know who might be interested and schedule your appointment today.

No matter where you are I can work with you on Skype or the telephone. If you are local it will be a delight to sit directly across the table from you. I want to help you uncover the truth of who you are, to look clearly at reality while allowing yourself to dream and grow.

Please set up an appointment for a consultation or contact me for a conversation about becoming a student. I am honored to work with each student and every client.

Thank you for your interest in this story and all the love you send my way. I feel it everyday.

Much love,

Laurie

 

June 2016

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~ Laurie

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